His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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