a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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