what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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