but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
