Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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