Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
