Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
