I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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