My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
