I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
