I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
