The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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