Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I believe in your delicious
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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