if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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