your thong is hanging out like whoa
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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