Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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