I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
