He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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