I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Terrible idea I love it
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
