i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
