My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's rum buckets o'clock
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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