So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's shark week go big or go home
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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