note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
