My room smells like vodka and shame
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
