ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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