Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
