I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
