She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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