I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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