Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
