and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
