that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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