My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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