Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
