As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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