the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
