dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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