Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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