so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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