I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
