GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
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