I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
