There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
