her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
