omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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