He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
