i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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