Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
