I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
no, he came in my armpit
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
