Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
