Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
