Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I want a musical about memes.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
