My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I looked at my own cervix.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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