I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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