well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
