Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
